Speaking in Berlin on Monday, the now frankly cantaloupe coloured Tony Blair called for a directly elected President of the European Union. Mr Blair's flagrant self promotion was only the latest chapter in the EU's erratic 'make it up as we go along' approach to this whole unfortunate 'project' and while one would hope that the British people long ago realised that 'Teflon Tony' was turning increasingly rusty, there is always the fear that our European neighbours might be a little slower on the uptake.
If the EU were not draining every penny of the English taxpayer's hard earned loose change, in the pursuit of duplicate bananas, one might be tempted to say that this issue was of no great import. However the failure to freeze our tribute to the senate in Brussels, despite my own and Peter Bone's valiant efforts, leads one to the inevitable conclusion that we are, in the continental fashion, to be quartered before we are hung. In spite of this I would ask those of you contemplating an 'Easyjet' flight to the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland to take a moment's respite. For there is no need of a President Blair, when we already have an Empress Elizabeth in waiting.
When Mary I ascended the throne in 1554, she was not simply crowned the 'Queen of England' but also of France, Naples, Jerusalem and Sicily as well as the Archduchess of countless amusingly names territories from Burgundy to Tyrol. By the time George I stepped up to the plate, further titles had been added including, crucially, the role of Elector of the Holy Roman Empire. While not in fact the 'top job' an Elector played a significant part in deciding who the chief honcho was to be and under the very clear edicts of the Golden Bull of 1356, could indeed be elected Emperor if there was no other suitable candidate for the vacancy.
You have no doubt spotted that there is indeed no current incumbent on the throne of the Holy Roman Empire. The last holder of the post was the negligent and pontifical Francis II of Austria who 'gave it up' limply in 1806 to pursue instead his penchant for vulgar furnishings and an 'Austro-Hungarian' empire. As the seat is vacant it clearly needs to be filled and one can think of no better gift befitting a monarch who has outshone all the contemporaneous crowned heads of her age, than to add 'Empress of the Holy Roman Empire' to her current styling. As such she would become the hereditary ruler of everything west of the Bosphorus and south of St Petersburg and Mr Blair would be sent scuttling back into the 'tanning salon' from which he managed to escape.
At this point no doubt you are contemplating the French and their foolish experiment with 'republicanism'. Inevitably these cheese eating revolutionaries and their fellow anti-monarchist friends might object to the leader of the EU being decided on British hereditary precedent. To which I would respond by saying that simply because one has inadvertently invited a vegetarian to the Christmas luncheon, one should feel no obligation to serve all of the guests lentils and 'tofu goose'. The greatest victories of European history have been British led and a union that forgets our history, is doomed to repeat the mistakes of their past. Let us evoke not the spirit of dull care and eurocratic compromise, but rather the grace of the Holy Roman Empire and boldly move forward together, or not at all. One hopes for the former, but rather fears we will be left with the latter.